Range of Emotion Read online

  “You okay?” Jamie asked when he came back in.

  Nate felt heat flush his cheeks. He’d been sitting there just stroking the cat. Not packing. Not moving. Just thinking. “Just trying to parse it all out.”

  “You’re moving to an island. Most people dream about that sort of thing.” Jamie shrugged. “It’s not tropical, but some people think it’s paradise. Think of it as a vacation.”

  “For a year,” Nate pointed out.

  “Maybe. Maybe you’ll love it and stay. If you do, then we’ll have your stuff shipped out.”

  “I can’t afford to live on your island. I’ve looked at the housing prices.”

  Jamie shrugged. “Yeah, it’s kind of gone nuts as a tourist attraction. I guess my house is worth a ton now. There are a handful of superrich who live on the island. You won’t see them much. The rest are tourists or long-term locals. But cross that road when you come to it. I’ve got plenty of room. There is no reason you need to ever live alone again. Some people are just better having people around.”

  “I’m an introvert,” Nate pointed out.

  “Still human. All humans need people, even if it’s only sometimes.”

  “I don’t want to be a burden,” Nate said.

  “You aren’t. And fuck you for thinking that way. You’re my best friend and I love you. We’ll figure it out. I’m out in the park a lot of days, so you’ll be on your own or looking after the animals. I know how much you love animals. There’s lots of stuff to do. Maybe sit down and write one of those books you’ve been telling me about all these years.”

  Nate let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I’m not sure I have a book in me.”

  “I think you have many. I think you’ve allowed the world to silence your imagination because they claim it is worthless.” Jamie picked up another bookcase and hauled it downstairs. Nate wondered if he’d be sore tomorrow from all the heavy lifting, but the spare bedroom was empty, and most of the rest of the house had been cleared, just leaving the bed and the couch.

  AJ popped out from under the bed, giving a tentative look before striding across the room to plunk down on top of Leo and spread out in Nate’s lap. “Hey, you brat. Your brother was here first. Make room.” Nate rearranged them. Jamie came back up and froze in the doorway staring down at the giant gray and black cat crowding the tiny, almost bony Leo.

  “So that’s AJ.”

  Nate grinned. “Isn’t she great?” She was licking Nate’s bare arm and kneading like her life depended on it.

  Jamie laughed. “Yeah. I think she’s going to get along fine.”

  Nate went to bed with more butterflies in his stomach than he thought possible. Tomorrow they’d be on the road by lunch and halfway across the Dakotas before their first stop. He took his normal dose of antidepressant and sleeping pill, hoping it would put him out and force his head to turn off. If he didn’t, he’d have a migraine for sure. The car ride would be brutal while that sick.

  Of course he tossed and turned. He’d been up to use the bathroom a half dozen times. Anxiety rather than bladder issues, he reminded himself as his brain took him on some tangent of any possible health issue he could have again.

  The cats curled around him protectively which only made him wary of rolling over onto them. And they had the bad habit of fighting over the warmest spot. Nate heard footsteps on the stairs and turned. Since there was a half bath downstairs, he didn’t think Jamie was coming up to use the bathroom.

  Instead Jamie approached the bed. The dim light of the room showed he wore only a T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. “Scoot over. I know you’re not sleeping.”

  “Sorry,” Nate apologized immediately. “I didn’t think I was making that much noise.”

  “Wasn’t you.” Jamie reached over and picked up a protesting AJ, dumping her outside the bedroom door. Leo followed and apparently Riley didn’t want to be shooed because he jumped down and left the room. Jamie shut the door. “Slide over. Let me just being here help you turn your brain off for a bit.”

  “But…” Nate bit his lip and swallowed tears.

  Jamie got into the bed, leaving enough space between them, but close enough that Nate could sense his presence in the dark. “Sleep,” Jamie said again. “You’re safe. Everything will work out just fine. You’re not alone.”

  Nate buried his face in his pillow and tugged his blanket up. He closed his eyes and prayed for sleep. Prayed for some sense of peace. Some alleviation of the fear. Jamie’s presence did help. It was nice knowing someone was there and all he had to do was reach out. He wasn’t alone for the first time in forever. And if there was anyone Nate trusted more than Jamie, Nate couldn’t think of who that might be. He fell asleep thinking it would be nice to have Jamie’s arms wrapped around him.

  Chapter 3

  Nate expected the trip to be brutal. He thought for sure a migraine, maybe a couple dozen panic attacks, for both himself and his cats, but it went pretty smoothly. They drove most of the day, Jamie doing a lot of the driving, stopped for lunch and to feed the kitties and snuggle them. AJ needed the Thundershirt, but the other two were fine roaming around the car. Leo spent most of his time in Nate’s lap. Once AJ was settled, she did as well, taking up Leo’s space and making Nate sweat.

  “She’s a big girl,” Jamie commented.

  She was, which sort of embarrassed Nate. He worried people thought he was a bad pet owner to let her get so big. But he’d done everything he could. Fed her special food, tried to encourage her to play, she was just big.

  “Solid too, not like one of those fat cats with a tiny head and a giant body. She’s big all around. Has she always chewed on her stomach when she’s nervous?” Jamie asked.

  “Yes. The only thing that helps is attention. If I pet her and hold her, she doesn’t do it. She just purrs and licks me instead. When I was working, I didn’t have much time to spend with all of them. It got really bad for a while.”

  “It’s been better since you’ve been home, though?”

  “Yes.” After all Nate went through, he hesitated to start drugging his cat like the vet had suggested. Mood altering drugs messed up his head, his baby girl didn’t need more trouble either. Mostly she was fine as long as she got to sit with Nate.

  “She’ll have a huge house to run around in.”

  “All she really wants is to be with me.”

  Jamie nodded. “Of course. You’re her world. She looks at you like you hung the moon. And for her that’s all that matters. But she’ll have a big house to play in, and even if she’s just following you from room to room, she’ll be moving around more. You’ll be home. I think she’s going to do great.”

  Nate couldn’t help but stare at Jamie as they made their way into the heart of South Dakota. They would still need to go north, but not yet. Jamie had a plan to get them around the worst of the big cities, weather, and mountains.

  “What are you staring at?” Jamie asked with a smile. “Do I have a booger hanging?”

  “No,” Nate laughed. “Just still processing that I’m here, you’re here. My babies are here.”

  “Okay, Dr. Seuss. Meanwhile, why don’t you look in the mirror. It’s good to see you out in the sunshine. I’m so happy to hear you laugh and finally see a smile.”

  He hid behind the darkest pair of sunglasses he could find actually, but Nate waved away the compliment. “My gut is still churning.”

  “Change will do that you. Change and beans. Did you eat beans yesterday?”

  “Stop,” Nate demanded trying to hold back his snort of laughter which would have dislodged Leo and AJ from his lap.

  “I promise to warn you to open your window before I let one fly.”

  “Oh my God!” Nate couldn’t help laughing.

  “You love me anyway, stinky or not,” Jamie said.

  And it was true. “I do.” Nate agreed. He couldn’t help but grin at Jamie’s silliness. Who was that dark-haired man in the mirror with a smile on his face? Sure he was hiding behind sunglasse
s, but there was glee there Nate hadn’t felt in a long time. He also looked pale and thin. He tipped up the sunglasses and frowned. “I look like a ghost.”

  “You look like you need more sunlight and iron,” Jamie said. “We’ll stop for burgers for dinner. There’s a place near the hotel. We’ll let the cats into the room to sprawl out and then head out for food.”

  “You really do have this whole thing planned out, don’t you?”

  Jamie nodded. His hoodie covered up his broad shoulders, but he’d already remarked that he thought it was colder than he was used too. He’d cranked up the heat. “Been planning for a while. Writing down ideas and marking places.”

  “You’ve been planning to steal me from my life?”

  “Rescue is the word I would have used. Kidnapping is frowned upon, rescue is revered.” Jamie glanced his way. “I’ve told you a bit about Graham, right?”

  “You used to be cops together.” The details were scattered, though Jamie had shared pictures of the two of them in their new ranger uniforms, to which Nate had remarked that Graham was hot, and Jamie replied that Graham was very not single. Which Nate had known, of course.

  “We had a bad case. Really bad. I never told you because no one needs those memories. Graham had seen worse. He actually has pretty bad PTSD. Is doing really good now that he’s getting treatment. But it was hard for him, to accept the change. He had to give up his job and take something that paid less, but it gave him peace.”

  “The ranger thing.”

  “I did too. Not because I have PTSD. But because it’s easier dealing with nature than with people. Even when disasters hit and there’s a fire or a tornado or a flood. People can be great, or terrible. Nature just is. There’s peace in the woods. I thought for years I was weak because the worst parts of being a cop just made me sick. The death, the abuse, the violence. I come from a family of cops. But being sensitive to it all doesn’t make me weak.”

  “Of course not,” Nate agreed. “I could never have seen some of the things you have and still function.”

  “And just because you haven’t, doesn’t mean you’re weak for being sensitive either,” Jamie added.

  Nate looked away.

  “You’ve been alone too long. I get it. You’ve been forced to handle everything on your own for so long that the weight has become an anchor. I was like that for a while after Dana passed.”

  Nate frowned. Dana had been Jamie’s wife. She’d died of cancer two years after they married. That was before Nate and Jamie ever met. Nate knew of her in pictures, stories, endless stories, and sometimes the tone of Jamie’s voice when he was remembering her.

  “I’m sorry,” Nate said. “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.”

  “It’s not really. Well sure, depression and heartbreak is always bad, but I’m stronger for it. I still miss her. For years we operated as a team, handling things together. It was really hard to do it all on my own when I was so used to calling her and asking her opinion, or sitting with her while we worked out the bills.”

  “I’ve never had that.”

  “No, and that’s the sad part. Even as a kid you were on your own. Parents forcing you to pay for school events, books, your own food.” Jamie shook his head at the thought. Nate had told him every sad detail of his past. What Nate had considered normal, most considered neglect. “Why be parents if you don’t want to parent? I don’t get that.”

  He’d learned the hard way that the only one looking out for him was him, and no one cared about him but him. Sometimes he really failed that badly. “I figured the stuff on TV was fiction.”

  “It was, but your reality isn’t the norm either. Parents normally ask about grades, go to events, and try to help their kid. But I get that my world was different growing up than yours was. Bastian’s was too. I told you about him. His mother put him in the line of danger and he was abused. Your parents just turned their backs. I don’t know what’s worse.”

  “I’m okay,” Nate defended himself and shrugged. “The world has a lot of stupid expectations of people. Get married, have kids, get a high paying job, own a house, have the latest in cars and electronics. It’s all a race of things. I kept up for a while.”

  “Things not everyone needs. And I think most people want them just because they grew up thinking that was how to be normal. To want to be married, have kids and own shit,” Jamie pointed out.

  “You don’t want that?” Nate asked.

  “Not in the same way. I got married young because it was expected of me. Kids. Probably not. I think the animals are enough work. Plus this world is overpopulated as it is. And stuff. Well it’s just stuff. I have a house. My truck is actually a work vehicle, and it’s been years since I kept up with the latest electronics. Those things don’t make me happy. The animals make me happy. Time outside makes me happy. My friends make me happy.” He looked pointedly at Nate. “My job makes me happy.”

  Happiness seemed like such a foreign concept. Something he’d read about once in a book but couldn’t relate to. Had it been that long? Could he recall a time when he was happy? Well, that Dragon Con weekend he’d spent with Jamie had been pretty amazing. Other than that, he was just existing. Punching a clock with no idea of how to reach for a dream he hadn’t yet dared to imagine. “Happiness,” Nate muttered. “Are you happy? Really?” Was anyone really?

  “Yes,” Jamie grinned. “How could I not be? My best friend is coming to live with me. I love my job, my house, and my critters. And I’m about to show my best friend how amazing nature can be.”

  Nate sighed and leaned back in his seat, stroking Leo and soaking in his purr. “I will try for happiness.” It couldn’t be that hard, could it? Nate was a mess and probably broken beyond repair, but he was functioning. Well, he had been. Now he was jobless and a burden. Could he find happiness when he was so lost. “Unemployed…”

  “You are more than the money you bring in. You are more than a job. You are more than some guy in a townhouse rescuing cats. Your worth can’t be measured by what society values. Society values status, class, and money. But that’s all smoke. You could spend your life chasing money and never find happiness, even if you became the richest man in the world. If you’re not doing what brings you joy, then what is the point?”

  “I have to survive somehow,” Nate said in a small voice.

  “You are. The best way you know how. You’re not alone anymore either. The rest will come in time. Just wait. I have so much to show you. But there’s no rush. I want you to rest and recharge. We’ll work on fixing the whole you. Not just your headaches, but your heart.”

  Nate grinned. “Sap.”

  “Guilty,” Jamie put his hand over his heart. “And not ashamed.”

  “I hope the cats are happy,” Nate mumbled, petting Leo. The poor cat was little more than fur and bones.

  “I think those cats are just thrilled to be where you are. This will be a new adventure for them.”

  Nate glanced at AJ who was curled up in the Thundershirt like she was terrified. Riley had spent the first part of the trip running back and forth in the backseat, crying. They’d stopped to put a vest on him, but he’d hated it and they had to take it off. Now he was sitting in the back window staring out, entranced.

  “Scary adventure,” Nate said.

  “Nah. Just wait till we get to the first hotel. They’ll chill a little and calm down,” Jamie promised him. “I’ve traveled with animals a lot. My rescues are always jumpy at first.”

  Nate was beginning to feel a more and more like one of Jamie’s rescues himself. “How long does it normally take them to adjust?”

  “Sometimes just a few hours. Some of the worst cases a few months. Don’t worry about it. Everything will work out fine.”

  Nate tried to have hope.

  They stopped at pet friendly hotels. All three cats clung to Nate at night. He slept badly because he feared he’d roll over on one of them, especially poor Leo who seemed to need to be touching him. But the days we
re filled with easy conversation with Jamie. Sometimes Nate would need the quiet of solitude and he’d crawl into the backseat with the cats, put a jacket over his head, and listen to an audiobook.

  By the time they arrived on the boat to take them across the strait Nate was ready to stop moving for a while. And finally, the migraine he’d worried about getting was beginning to rear its head.

  “The water is pretty,” Nate said. They’d passed a lot of pretty scenery. Mountains, glistening lakes, and glimpses of the ocean. Lots of green. Everywhere green. Jamie had rolled down the windows in the car, but they stayed close to keep an eye on the cats, who were all just snoozing in their kennels.

  “And cold. Don’t let it fool you. Even early fall like it is now. The days can get warm, but the water is still freezing. If you want to go swimming, I recommend going to the swim park or one of the pools. You’ll find a lot of streams and stuff in the park preserve, but again it’s cold.”

  “I am not setting foot into the park preserve without you,” Nate vowed.

  “Yeah, we’ll work on that. It’s beautiful. Tons of walking paths, trails, camping areas.”

  “Bears?”

  “Not in decades. Though Charlie said Bastian saw one on video outside their house. They aren’t all that close to the park. Well, not that national one. They are closer to the state park. But that’s a tiny little thing. It was probably just a really big fox they saw. Haven’t had bears on the island in half a century, I think.”

  Nate squinted at him. “A fox doesn’t look anything like a bear.”

  “If an itty-bitty bear is hunched over, sure it can look like a fox. I think most of the big game was hunted out years ago. Hard for them to cross twenty miles of water to get to the island. But we’ve got lots of rabbits, deer, fox, bats, reptiles and amphibians, bugs, and…” He pointed out in the distance where a whale breached the surface to blow out water. The tail flipped up too. “Orca whales.”